After 8 years of flirting, should this pair exit the ‘friend zone’? - The Boston Globe

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For the first time since college, they’re both single. She wonders what to do next.

Submit your questions for Meredith here.

Q. I have a situation with a “friend” of eight years. We met in college. We’ve both been in and out of relationships with other people, and even had the “Are you friend-zoning me or is there a chance here?” conversation two years ago. I was in a relationship, so I probably shouldn’t have been having that talk, but it happened anyway and I got my answer. He said, “No, I thought YOU were friend-zoning ME, so I just never tried anything.” I experienced a wave of relief, but also confusion because again, I was dating someone. My friend took a step back for a few weeks after that, but then we went right back to our usual hangouts and flirting.

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I finally ended things with my boyfriend this past fall. My friend got out of his relationship not long after. This is the first time since college we’ve both been single at the same time. He’s started to invite me over for dinner once a week and I’ve been loving it. He puts serious thought into the meals he’s making, preps and cooks everything, and we spend the night enjoying each other’s company. Do friends typically do things like that — or could this maybe be his way of slowly figuring out if this is something he actually wants? Will this ever happen? My friends say I just need to be patient.

I know the easiest way to figure all of this out would be to just ask him, but I’ve been the person to bring up my feelings, and I feel like a broken record at this point. I don’t want to drive him away because I genuinely value our friendship, but I also don’t want to watch him date yet another girl I know isn’t right for him when I’m standing right in front of him. When do you decide it’s worth the risk to tell someone you still have feelings for them?

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— Slow Burn

A. “I know the easiest way to figure all of this out would be to just ask him, but I’ve been the person to bring up my feelings, and I feel like a broken record at this point.”

Let’s remember that the last time you brought up your feelings, he told you he reciprocated . . . and then you continued to date your boyfriend for another two years. This friend was brave and forthcoming, and the result was . . . nothing.

These dinners might be his way of showing you what he wants. He’s inviting you. It sounds like he’s initiated all of your recent quality time.

Just so you know, I don’t think you need to have some monumental talk with him about what happens next. All you might want to say is, “Finally, we’re both single. What if we kissed after dinner?” Slow burns can put a lot of pressure on people, especially when friendship is on the line. It might help both of you to hear that you don’t have to start a new chapter of your relationship with all the answers.

– Meredith

READERS RESPOND

How do you know you’re right for him? You’ve never dated. You’ve built this guy up so much in your head he has little chance of meeting your expectations. MAJORISSUES

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Tell him you want a relationship. He is going to say yes or no. Either way you have your answer and can avoid wasting another eight years. SOMEWHEREINMA

Just kiss him already. JONRUNSGRAFTON

Catch Meredith Goldstein’s Love Letters podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen.

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After 8 years of flirting, should this pair exit the ‘friend zone’? - The Boston Globe
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